scrapbook

SEPTEMBER 2025
September was strange. I feel nostalgic about the end of summer, and it weighs heavily on me. One of the first days, we watched Courage the Cowardly Dog on the balcony while eating chips. It has always been my favorite cartoon.

It was also my birthday month!! which strangely didn't make me sad this time.

I received a beautiful Lalaloopsy doll that I keep on my bedside table, and many books that I still have to read.

I spent my days with my friends, and knowing that everyone is now working or going to school makes me feel really lonely, but I'll be going back to work soon too. So I guess that's what adult life is abt, right? But thinking about my birthday, I am truly grateful for how much time we have spent together.

+ My best friends gave me new skates and a BMO backpack!! lov them so muchhh

I also threw a small party, where I had a lot of fun, and the theme was “Just Dance”!!! (We play it all the time)

So, in general, the days have been peaceful. I would have liked to feel well enough to realize it and enjoy them more, to be there and feel present when things happen. But I haven't been well. Too many bad things are in my mind all the time. I know it seems ungrateful, but this is what happens every season change to people like me. So here is my attempt to focus on the peaceful and objective things. The woods, my friends, cakes, the park, my books, my new backpack that everyone likes, the doll next to my bed, my skates that are very fast, and many, many days ahead of me, so many...

OCTOBER 2025
October was fun!!! we often baked cakes and biscuits, went to parties and spent time with our friends.
We went to a queer party where the jury (of drag queens) awarded us the prize for best costume of the night!!

I felt as though I was a teenager again and that not everything depended solely on me,
even though the dissociation never really stopped

NOVEMBER 2025
I wasn't feeling too great in November, but it was my cat's birthday and it really warmed my heart.
We bought her some new toys, just like the ones she had when she was just a kitten!!

DECEMBER 2025
In December, I find it hard to focus on the good things;
here, I’m trying not to write about the blurry days and sleepless nights.
But December brings with it so many things that set me off and make me cry for hours on end. This year has felt particularly empty;
it didn’t feel like Christmas, I wasn’t looking forward to it, and there were fewer lights in the city than usual.
In December, I always think about all the things I’ve lost.

JANUARY 2026
In January, I tried to do things I enjoy;
I worked hard on my IT course and tried sending out CVs,
but they didn’t work out. I tried making some crafts for the house,
but it makes me really sad to think about when I’ll have to take them down.

I worked really hard in February, so I’m going to focus on that.
Working with children is really important and rewarding for me. Every time I teach a class,
the teachers ask me for advice and opinions.
It’s lovely to be held in such high regard. I think the best part of what I do is that,
unlike many adults (I don’t feel like an adult in the first place), children don’t make me discover anything;
they don’t bring back hidden or forgotten parts of myself.
I think what makes things work so well is that I remember what it’s like.
I remember what I felt, how I felt about adults, how I wanted to be seen and spoken to.
This gives me the ability to put myself in their shoes (I don’t feel they’re much different from my own).

MARCH 2026
I worked a lot in March too, mainly around Santa Marinella and Cerveteri, which are two seaside towns.
I almost always went there with my mum and we spent time together. It was lovely and I remember this month being full of sunshine;
we also explored woods and cemeteries. I’d love to spend the whole day listening to her talk about the past,
about days when I didn’t exist but my family was different, full of people and children, and Sundays spent eating and singing.
Campsites, stories from years ago, secrets and photographs.
It all feels as a part of me and at the same time light years away.

APRIL 2026
April has been unexpectedly strange.
The days have grown longer and the light streaming into the bedroom is pink and yellow, looking just like honey.
I’ve spent many days at my mother’s house, which is in the countryside and has a huge garden;
I feel as attached to it as if I were a tree growing there myself.
What’s more, I’ve found out that I’m going to be an uncle again,
as my brother is about to become a father.
This fills me with so many emotions and, above all, warms my heart.
At the same time, I miss my niece so much that sometimes I feel as if I can see her among the kids at school
and I have to tell everyone that I’m allergic to chalk because it takes my breath away
and my eyes start to tear up without control.
It’s all so fast, sometimes exciting, but always so difficult.

Then I started a circus school, whilst I’m trying to decide whether to have another surgery or not. It’s really fun, strange
– it makes me feel as if I’m normal.

MAY 2026
In May I started feeling better again, even though I hardly ever sleep.
My thoughts race; it’s hard to say that things are okay because I feel everything so intensely.
But I suppose it’s better than feeling empty.
I’ve skated on ice, played video games, worked, gone to the beach, the lake and the woods.
I can’t stay quiet. Actually, I don’t mind it when I feel like this, except that I’m often on high alert.
Always nervous.

Also, my hair’s finally white again and I feel much more like myself

ALBUM OF THE YEAR

DON'T PISS ON ME, I'M ALREADY DEAD - crywank

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